If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I need water and some morals
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
