We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
