I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
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