that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
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