Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Randomize
