Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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