Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
