if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
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Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
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If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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