Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
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i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
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You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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