I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
