wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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