Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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