dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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