just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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