She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
