Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
