I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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