So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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