I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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