and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
