So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
