i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
