its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Randomize
