I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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