Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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