Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
