So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
