I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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