Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
