remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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