Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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