I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
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Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
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We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
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