I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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