if you like me you must not know who I am
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Randomize
