Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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