I think I can smell my own vagina right now
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
