i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
