guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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