Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
