One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Dear god my vagina.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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