and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
