mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
