I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
