im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Randomize
