she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Randomize
