not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
