I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
