you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
