Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
