Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
