matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Randomize
