If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
it glows. i had to have it.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
