Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Dear god my vagina.
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