sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
