I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize