I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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