Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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