please come you make the beer taste better
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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